It Sucks To Be Us
by LoaTurtle00
Summary: Brittany is not happy when the endangered suck toad is stuck to her face, and Alvin is not much happier about "babysitting" her. How can such a double-negative experience turn positive for anyone? Age-wise they are 11. I don't own any part of the Chipmunk franchise, just borrowing them from Nickelodeon, Janice Karman, & Ross Bagdasarian, their family, & their company.
1. The Long List Of No

**It Sucks To Be Us**

 **About This Story** : Brittany is not happy when the endangered suck toad is stuck to her face, and Alvin is not much happier about "babysitting" her. How can such a double-negative experience turn positive for anyone? Age-wise they are 11. I don't own any part of the Chipmunk franchise, just borrowing them from Nickelodeon, Janice Karman, & Ross Bagdasarian, their family, & their company.

 **About This Chapter** : Rated PG-13 (T), for some sexual and biological references (including female bodily functions such as menstruation, and drugs)

 **Pairings** : Alvin/Brittany

* * *

 **1\. The Long List Of No**

"No sugar...no bright colors...no bright, flashing lights like the TV, or strobe lights at a dancehall...avoid loud music—but soft, acoustic music may be OK...no caffeine—which includes sodas as well as coffee-type drinks...no alcohol..."

"Uh, we can't buy that ourselves in this country until we're twenty-one, anyways." Alvin interrupted the Skype conference with the New Zealand zoologist. "And that doesn't happen for..." he glanced over at Brittany.

"Nine-and-a-half more years, Alvin." Brittany rolled her eyes—well, her right eye at least, since an endangered amphibian covered her left eye like an eyepatch.

"Right—nine-and-a-half more years, since we are still several weeks away from turning twelve." Alvin relayed Brittany's message to the zoologist, since he was closer to the computer, including the camera and microphone. "Sorry, math is one of my worst subjects. But you were saying something about 'no alcohol'?"

"Right..." The scatterbrained zoologist looked at his notes again. "Hopefully this won't apply to you, but no recreational drugs...and be careful when taking any medications that don't require a prescription. Basically, just pretend you are pregnant with this suck toad, and don't take anything that an expectant mother wouldn't take during pregnancy. For example, if you get a headache, you can take acetaminophen, just not aspirin or ibuprofen."

Brittany looked up from her prone position on Theodore's bed. "Can I still take Midol? I really need some right now."

The zoologist scratched his head. "Uh, depends what all is in that... Is that one medication, or a combination of things? Is that the American brand-name? What do you use that for, anyway?"

Alvin apologized to him, "It's for...uh, 'girl cramps'. This suck toad sure picked the wrong five-to-seven days of the month to join us!"

Brittany threw a pillow at Alvin's back. "Shut up, Alvin." She explained to the zoologist, "So that whole thing about 'pretending I'm pregnant' is gonna be a little tough."

"Oh, I see..." the zoologist nodded with a little empathy. "Well, you might just have to read the list of active ingredients, but if it just has acetaminophen in it, you can still take it. But not if it contains ibuprofen or aspirin."

"Hang on!" Alvin groaned. "How do you spell 'I-see-toe-minnow-fin'? And what was the other one? 'I-bee-pro-fin'? And which 'fin' was OK for her to take? And which 'fin' was not OK for her to take?"

" _Ugh!_ " Brittany groaned to herself while resting her chin on the back of her folded hands as the zoologist tried to help Alvin with the spelling lesson. " _And just when I thought the day couldn't get any longer..._ "

The zoologist continued, "Also, stay out of swimming pools, mostly because of the chlorine and other harsh pool chemicals. Stay out of hot tubs because of the temperature—the water needs to be within a few degrees of your natural body temperature. The ocean is too salty for the suck toad, since it is a freshwater species. But you need to stay hydrated with cool or tepid freshwater from lakes, ponds, rivers, or mud puddles."

"I'm supposed to drink muddy water? Eww!" Brittany gagged.

The zoologist slapped his forehead. "I'm sorry. I meant that you _drink_ bottled water, tap water, or reverse-osmosis water—whichever of those you prefer will work. But the mud is supposed to be _bathed_ onto the skin of your suck toad."

"So, do I have to take a bath in mud as well? I mean, I won't be able to get clean, I'll just get dirtier. Still gross..." Brittany shuddered.

"Hmm..." the zoologist thought for a moment. "I suppose you could still take a shower or a bath—but in tepid water, nothing too hot or too cold. And be careful not to get any soaps or shampoos on the suck toad—just keep it off your face or out of your face. Hmm...maybe even a diving mask or some other face shield worn while showering would help."

She looked disappointed. "Ehhh... Any bath or shower that isn't hot is already too cold for me."

"While I'm on the subject," continued the zoologist, "You also need to be careful with anything you typically put on your face—face creams, sunscreens, cosmetics..."

" _What!_ I can't wear makeup?...! Or even use face cleansers?" Brittany lamented. "But I'm almost a teenager! And my face starts breaking out around this time of the month anyway."

Alvin rolled his eyes. "Relax, Britt, you'll just be putting mud on your face, anyway. I mean, don't people actually pay money for that as a spa treatment?"

"True..." the zoologist seemed to be brainstorming. "I should probably also comment on sun exposure. It's as bad for the suck toad as it is for skin breakouts. You should probably wear a hat or visor to keep the sun off the suck toad—but your hair might also be long enough to offer some protection. As long as you don't get any hairspray or hair products on the suck toad."

" _Ugh..._ " Brittany groaned, "All these 'no's' are starting to give me a migraine—or make one worse that I was already getting."

Alvin blinked at her and took the cue, turning to the screen. "Right. What _can_ we still do, after that long list of what _not_ to do? As you can see, my friend isn't being very nice, because her monthly 'friend' is being mean to her."

"But it's still being a better 'friend' than you..." Brittany muttered with a glare at Alvin.

"Well," began the zoologist, "For one thing, I'm sensing some hostility between you two. She needs to stay calm, and you need to keep your sister calm. Nothing to increase her heart rate or blood pressure. That includes suspenseful or fearful situations, as well as added salt. Keep her as relaxed as possible."

"Whoa, whoa whoa..." Alvin cut in. "Brittany is _not_ my sister. If anything, she's closer to a step-sister, or just a friend, if that. But she's been my best 'frenemy' since Kindergarten."

"Oh, sorry...Alvin, wasn't it? I didn't know, I guess I just assumed..." The zoologist shrugged.

"But thank you for first assuming we were siblings." Alvin chuckled. "That's at least an improvement from people assuming us to be a couple of 'star-crossed lovers', or even a happily married couple with two-point-five children, despite that we are not even twelve yet."

"And none of those situations are happening anytime in the next century!" Brittany shot another glare at Alvin.

"Well, I'd love to get into how I've seen plenty of successful relationships that start out as just friends or even frenemies," the zoologist chuckled, "but I'd rather not cause more stress to Brittany by making you two squabble like siblings again. So instead I'll circle back to things you _can_ and _should_ do. Keep her environment calm, and help the suck toad feel like it's in its natural habitat—wear mud, leaves, and neutral or camouflaged colored clothing. Remember that bright lights and bright colors like the ones you guys are wearing right now are too strong for it. And for food, eat lots of salads with kale, spinach, and other greens. You know, plenty or organic fruits and vegetables—and really, fruits and berries are the sweetest things you can eat without adding any extra sugar. But try to stay away from the processed foods like French fries, and especially the meats and dairy products that have a lot of preservatives. For protein, the suck toad may have arthropods and invertebrates—like insects or worms. Or even tofu would be OK, as long as it isn't fried or processed."

He glanced over at Alvin, who was still frantically taking notes. "I hope that covers everything. You can still email me if any questions come up. At this point, do you have any other questions I can answer?"

Alvin and Brittany looked at each other. Alvin asked, "Uhh...first of all, what do we call you? I don't even think we know your name."

The zoologist smiled. "I'm Doctor Brandon Carver, but it's fine with me if you call me Brandon. And you guys are Alvin and Brittany...Seville?" When he noticed Brittany wince, he corrected himself. "Oh wait, Seville is _his_ last name, but not yours, since you guys aren't siblings."

Brittany nodded. "Right. My official last name is Miller, since I've lived with my sisters in a Treehouse in Ms Miller's yard since we were about eight. But when Alvin's dad, Dave, first got custody of my sisters and me, our last name was Chipette. We've never really dropped that as a family name, so sometimes our last name is even hyphenated as Chipette-Miller." She chuckled. "Yeah, it's complicated, and probably increasing my stress level... Oh, but I thought of a question related to the suck toad—Is there a way to tell whether or not what we're doing is working?"

"Good question..." Brandon smiled. "Let's see... It's kinda like any other pet, in that it may take some time to get to know it, and get familiar with its moods. Sometimes these suck toads will make pleasant chirping or purring noises when they are happy, and they might make growling or gargling noises that get louder and louder if they are...upset or threatened. Or they may even suck harder at the spot where their mouth is—kinda like biting, but without actual teeth. So they might actually give you a slightly-more-painful hickey. They have even been known to whimper like puppies when sad, sick, or injured. Hmm...maybe it would be helpful to think of it as your 'pet', or maybe even your 'baby'. And, like you would do for a pet, or what an expectant couple would do for a baby on the way—feel free to name it."

"Name it, huh?" Alvin looked intently at the green blob over Brittany's eye. "Maybe naming it would be easier if we knew whether we were 'having' a boy or a girl. Ha!"

"I'm sure it's a boy, since boys are the root of all of my other problems." Brittany rolled her eyes. "In that case, we should name it 'Little Alvin', after the main little boy at the root of my problems. Since this is all his fault."

"What did I do?" Alvin looked offended. "I wasn't anywhere near you when the suck toad cage spilled. It was Derek who pushed me. If anything, you should name it 'Little Derek', or maybe ' _Small_ Derek'—you know, since Derek's last name is Smalls." He laughed in amusement at his pun, but stopped when he realized Brittany was not laughing with him. "Oh come on, that's a good one! And laughter helps you relax and stay calm... Besides, the suck toad could just as easily be a girl, since girls are the root of _my_ problems. I mean, if a certain girl was more caring and responsible, and didn't spend as much time looking at herself in the bathroom mirror..." He did a higher-pitched voice and pretended to flip his hair back in an impression of Brittany, or Marsha on " _The Brady Bunch_ ", but with more of a British accent. "Oh, am I wearing enough makeup and enough pink for a school field trip to the zoo? Is my purse bling-y enough to impress the lions and tigers and bears? Oh my!"

Brandon spoke up before Brittany could punch Alvin, "I can help in identifying whether your suck toad is male or female. Do you have either a ruler or some measuring tape?"

Brittany pointed over to the study nook section of the boys' bedroom. "Would Simon have one?"

Alvin remembered where Simon had a ruler in his square cubby shelf. He retrieved it, and at Brandon's instructions, measured the suck toad length-wise from nose to tail, and then width-wise across its widest point. The widest point was also noted to be located on the tail half.

"Well, based on these measurements," Brandon began, "Your suck toad is female. They tend to be wider at the back to make room for all their eggs."

"Ha! I was right!" Alvin gloated. "Since she has a big butt." Whispering to Brittany, he added, "She takes after her new mommy!"

"Wait a minute..." Brittany looked worried. "Are you saying that this thing—er, _she_ —might lay eggs on my face?"

"Not quite yet." Brandon stated. "Usually the male fertilizes the eggs as they are laid in the mud. So she only lays the eggs as they are being fertilized during mating. So I doubt you need to worry about eggs being laid on your face."

Brittany cupped her hands around Alvin's ears. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't think an immature little boy should hear such things."

Alvin chuckled as he playfully deflected her hands. "Whatever, Britt! I'm the most mature of my brothers. I can listen to stories about suck toads copulating. My ears aren't as virgin as you think—I occasionally use vibrating Q-tips."

Brittany groaned. "And that's as close to that kinda action as you're ever gonna get!"

Pulling them away from more fighting, Brandon suggested, "Since the suck toad is on Brittany's face, it only seems fair that Brittany gets to name her."

Brittany thought for a moment, even gently stroking her left fingers across the back of the suck toad. "Hmm...since this suck toad is not the only 'curse' I'm under this week, I think it seems fitting to name her 'Eve'."

Alvin chuckled, "How fitting to name a suck toad after the original Mother who cursed all of us by the original sin. You know, Adam may have thought he dodged that bullet, but then he had to put up with all that abuse from his wife for a week out of every month!"

"Interestingly enough," Brandon added as another attempt to prevent further friction, "the name 'Eve' also means 'life'. So maybe this is also reflecting your commitment and wishes to keep her alive? I think Eve is a cool choice for the name of this suck toad!"

Someone on Brandon's end distracted him for a few seconds. He then turned back to Alvin and Brittany and asked, "Well, I need to go help my coworkers take care of some endangered finger monkeys that just arrived. I'll be in touch with you guys, though. Email me if you have any additional questions."

"But when will you be here to remove Eve?" Brittany asked desperately. "WHEN?"

* * *

 **A/N:** Midol is based on acetaminophen (Tylenol), but it also contains caffeine, so Brittany would not be able to use it. I had LASIK back in 2012, and we were supposed to keep the water out of our eyes while showering for the first week or two after treatment. The medical tape holding the clear covers would not stick in the shower, so I used some diving goggles (like a diving mask, but without the nosepiece). I made up a name for the zoologist. Derek's last name is Smalls, on the Nickelodeon cartoon episode "I Will Survive". The "lions and tigers and bears" is a reference from "The Wizard Of Oz". Most of these "facts" listed about suck toads are made-up, but expanded rules from the Nickelodeon cartoon episode "Suck Toad". The joke about the "virgin ears" and "vibrating Q-tips" were from an inside joke I shared with a friend in Odessa (Don Tohkubbi) in 2011.


	2. Could Things Get Worse?

**It Sucks To Be Us**

 **About This Story** : Brittany is not happy when the endangered suck toad is stuck to her face, and Alvin is not much happier about "babysitting" her. How can such a double-negative experience turn positive for anyone? Age-wise they are 11. I don't own any part of the Chipmunk franchise, just borrowing them from Nickelodeon, Janice Karman, & Ross Bagdasarian, their family, & their company.

 **About This Chapter** : Rated PG-13 (T), for mentions of adolescent issues such as female bodily functions (menstruation), eating disorders, and stuffing bras and boxers.

 **Pairings** : Alvin/Brittany

* * *

 **2\. Could Things Get Worse?**

Alvin groaned as he slumped onto the couch, and turned on his video game. The multiple explosions as he blew up zombies drowned out all the negative thoughts and memories of the day at school he just experienced.

Over the noise of the video game, he heard the sound of his father coughing as he walked into the living room from working in his office. "Oh...Alvin," Dave blinked, as though he were actually surprised to see his son. "I just thought Brittany would be with you right now, and that the specialist from New Zealand told you to avoid bright, flashy screen images and loud noises for the sake of the...uh...delicate endangered animal stuck to her. Where is she? Is she OK?"

Alvin sighed and rolled his eyes. "I already walked her home to the Treehouse. She slammed the door in my face as soon as she got home. She doesn't want to see me or talk to me anymore today. And the feeling is mutual—I've had enough of her constant whining. I also have a new respect for Jeanette and Eleanor, who have to live with all of that whining. I mean, I don't blame them for going to space camp for two weeks just to get away from her! Oh, but they would probably know how to get their sister to listen, to get her to take better care of the suck toad, and they know how to keep her from being so self-obsessed all the time."

"I take it you and Brittany had a rough day." Dave offered an empathetic half-smile as he sat down on the couch next to Alvin. "I could use a break from work, myself, so why don't you turn off the video game and tell me what happened today?"

"Alright." Alvin reluctantly turned off the game and sighed. "But I must warn you that this story doesn't have a happy ending."

Dave patted Alvin's shoulder. "Well...this, too, shall pass..."

"But I won't..." Alvin muttered.

"What?" Dave blinked in confusion.

Alvin glanced up at his father and clarified. "But _I_ won't pass, because I'll be in sixth grade forever. It's all Brittany's fault! My midterm grade is in her hands—well, actually on her face, and it's like she keeps deliberately going against the specialist's instructions, like she wants to ensure that the suck toad dies, and that I fail sixth grade. Then she, and all the other Chipmunks will go on to the junior high campus across the street while I'm left back a year. All because..." He groaned and pretended to toss his hair back in another overly ditsy-blonde exaggerated impression of Brittany, "Like, oh my gosh! Everyone will give me dirty looks if I don't wear enough makeup, or enough pink, or enough hairspray. I just don't want to smell and dress like those rednecks from some ' _Swamp People_ ' episode. I must be pretty all the time or I will cease to be Brittany and the world will end, because it will stop revolving around me!" He returned to his usual voice. "She snuck her pink clothes, her makeup, and some candy into her locker _again_ today. The nerve of that girl!"

"Again?" Dave sighed. "In Simon's old camping backpack that I found for her, when you told me her pink glittery backpack was too bright and shiny?"

"Yes." Alvin groaned. "She even put some sparkly stickers on the backpack, since it wasn't bling-y and shiny enough. She told me that people will think she stole some boy's backpack if it doesn't have enough sparkly stickers on it, and that no one will believe it's hers. You know how she complains about how green is not her color, especially that camo-shade of green.

"But that's the least of my problems. She also spent longer than usual in the bathroom—just to get away from me. She says it's just her time of the month, and she's cramping and bloating more than usual, since she can't have Midol or Motrin. But, come on! All of those other months she was not near this hostile, even on the dreaded 'Day Two'!"

"Are you keeping track of her cycles or something?" Dave chuckled. "I don't even track Julie's cycle that closely!"

Alvin sighed. "What can I say? Julie is an angel all month long. I think every other girl in the world is, except for Brittany. I keep track by asking Jeanette, who is synced with Brittany, since they are so close. I don't know about Eleanor—she may not have reached...anarchy yet, or whatever it's called. But even if she did, she and Jeanette are both sweet and mellow angels all month. Brittany was moody even _before_ PMS entered her life—er, _all_ of our lives! But she's extra nuts when she has PMS, and I keep track so I know when to avoid her, or when she will be just a little madder at me, or hate me more than usual, since she has even found ways to blame _me_ for everything her own hormones do to her body. I mean, if I didn't have to babysit her and take care of that suck toad—since _she_ doesn't care about it, or my midterm grade—I would normally just be avoiding her this week, period—no pun intended." He chuckled slightly.

Dave chuckled and patted Alvin's shoulder. "Fine. When this is over, I'll look into a doctor's appointment for Brittany to see if she might need medical help. It could be a chemical or hormonal imbalance of some kind." He added a slightly playful nudge and asked with a hint of sarcasm, "Would you like an appointment as well, Mister ADHD?"

Alvin rolled his eyes. "I'm sure I _will_ need therapy after this, David Dear. But please understand that I am not the one with the problem. I mean, in addition to PMS, I think Brittany may also have an eating disorder. That's another thing that may go on in the bathroom when Brittany uses that as an excuse to hide from me. Sure, she says all that salad she has to eat is just going right through her. But she's hardly eating, except for the times I've caught her eating candy in her locker. I've had to shove healthy food into her mouth to get her to eat! Girls on their way out of the girls' bathroom at school are starting to talk about me being an 'enabler' for her bulimia, since they say she just throws up the healthy food I make her eat, and replaces it with candy. OK, I admit I may have occasionally given her a hard time about how she swings her hips or her butt when she walks, but she knows me by now, and knows that I'm just goofing off with her. If anything, I think the way she walks is kinda cute—you know, the way her hips rhythmically move and the way her tail sways, like she's dancing. And just thinking about it makes me laugh, or want to dance with her."

"Ooh..." Dave winced. "That can be some dangerous territory, and I don't know if that's very brave or very stupid to say any of that to her. Because if I said that to any girl, I'm sure she would take it the wrong way and assume I meant the worst. Brittany is very sensitive about that. What seems like 'just joking around' to you might hurt her more than you think. You actually told her any of that?"

"I kept all that in mind and handled it all with sensitivity, Dave." Alvin reassured him. "I don't remember when I told her that, but it actually made her smile. She even thanked me and said I made her day. Oh wait... I think it was some time earlier this year when I overheard her talking to Eleanor and Theodore, telling them she was envious of their self-confidence and popularity, despite their...slower metabolism, while she feels she walks the fine line between 'too skinny' and 'too chubby'. That kind of thinking must've come from Ian and the body-shaming he used to do to her, since I never have used the 'F-word' to describe Theodore or Eleanor—and certainly not Brittany or anyone else! And I will face-attack anyone at school who dares to use that word to describe anyone in my family or Brittany's."

"The 'F-word'?...!" Dave gasped.

"You know..." Alvin clarified with a whisper, " _Fat_."

"Oh, _that_ F-word!" Dave said with relief. "Well, thank you for sticking up for them. I do hope you use _words_ and talk to people before you resort to any form of physical violence, though."

"Sure I do!" Alvin shrugged. "But I digress... Circling back to today at school... Well, it wasn't easy for me to sit by Brittany during lunch and get her to eat healthy food for another reason—the suck toad actually stinks. I mean, _you_ try enjoying lunch when the person sitting next to you has a sick suck toad on their face! At least from Brittany's right side, she's easier to look at! And luckily for Brittany, she can blame a lot of her smell on the suck toad, but I'm sure the suck toad isn't responsible for _all_ of the smell, when Brittany is the one who had to change her diet, and go without using scented body sprays or perfume. If my brothers were here and within three feet of her, they would never complain about my stinky socks again!"

"Hmmm, I think I may have some packets of activated charcoal somewhere." Dave was brainstorming. "Those might help with the smell, without spraying extra harmful chemicals into the air that could poison the suck toad. But you might ask the specialist if that would help."

"I don't think we'll be bothering the specialist anymore..." Alvin nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "You see, right before we left school, we video-chatted with him from the principal's office. Brittany was working there as the principal's assistant, which gave her time to sit down and have a few hours break from me. Anyways, the specialist told us some bad news. He said that it looks like our suck toad is circling the drain, and it might be more humane to just peel it off, especially if we see no improvement by morning. Brittany seemed a little more motivated to save it at that point, but with her mood swings, it's hard to tell if she really means that."

"So, there's still a chance?" Dave asked with concern.

"Well, I told her I would try to help, but she's still mad at me." Alvin sighed. "And she has a good reason to be. I haven't even gotten to the most embarrassing thing that happened today." He chuckled nervously and continued to rub the back of his neck.

"Embarrassing thing?" Dave pulled his son into a partial hug. "What happened, Alvin?" He asked as he rubbed Alvin's back.

Alvin began, "There was a time during our break after lunch. Since the suck toad doesn't smell as bad outside, or from Brittany's right side, and because she's easier on the eyes from that side, I was sitting there next to her on some steps, minding my own business. We were both outside, still kinda in the shade, since she's supposed to be careful about sun exposure. Well, Derek and his friends were playing 'wall-ball' nearby, and at some point their ball came in our direction. This was all on Britt's left side—which is like her blind spot, as you know. Anyways, they accidentally kicked her in the left hip. When I saw that she might fall down the stairs from this, I reached out to grab her and keep her from falling—just call it an instinct. The only lucky thing from this is that she didn't fall down the stairs and get more hurt than she already was, unless you actually _can_ die of embarrassment."

Alvin continued, "But instead of this heroic endeavor resulting in a happy ending, I accidentally ripped her shirt and popped her bright pink bra. And a bunch of folded Kleenexes she used to stuff her bra fell out. People were staring at us, thanks to all of Britt's screaming in fear and pain. I could hear a bunch of them talking about us and laughing about us 'going to second base', while I tried keeping her covered and re-hooking her bra. Some people even got out their phones and took a few pics or videos that have probably gone viral by now. We eventually had to use a stapler from the principal's office to hold her shirt together for the rest of the day. Anyone who saw us afterwards kept sarcastically asking stuff like, 'Hey, Brittany, got any Kleenexes I can borrow?' Or, 'Hey, Alvin, have you seen if Brittany is wearing matching panties?' Or even comments like, 'Hey, Alvin, you look like you must've had plenty of practice with Brittany's bra!' Or 'Hey, Alvin, you sure know your way around Brittany's bra!' I'm sure this whole incident added to her stress level, which is killing the suck toad. But it's hard to stay calm—or keep her calm—when everyone at school saw her bra, and her stuffing, as well as me putting her back together."

"Poor Brittany!" Dave gasped. "Now, did they just see her bra, or did they see...well—"

"It was just the bra." Alvin interrupted him before he could finish. "But mostly the stuffing. At least I think that was all that was exposed. Not that she has anything to hide—hence all the stuffing."

"Alvinnn..." Dave's tone and temper started rising.

Alvin quickly steered the conversation back on track to avoid getting in trouble. "Uh...but Brittany moved her hands quickly enough to keep covered. So things could've been worse—I don't think this 'wardrobe malfunction' resulted in a 'nip slip'. But I still don't blame her for being mad at me. If I could've done anything different, I think I would've done more walking and sitting—basically more hanging out—on her left side, you know, to protect her blind spot. Now Britt is mad at me for trying to help her. No matter what I do—I got her an ice pack from the nurse's office for her bruised hip that got kicked, I got her a heat pack for her 'girl cramps', I gave her a ride home in my red roadster, I helped her limp up the Treehouse stairs—and how does she thank me? She slams the Treehouse door in my face, and tells me to leave her alone for the rest of the day. While she probably cries herself to sleep, after eating her feelings in junk food. And the suck toad is getting sicker and sicker by the minute, and my midterm grade is plummeting with it!"

"Alvin, just take a few slow, deep breaths for a moment. OK?" Dave rubbed his son's back. "I see why this is challenging for you because your grade is depending on whether Brittany cooperates in your efforts to save the suck toad..." He saw Alvin nod, so he continued, "But Brittany is too _selfish_ to listen to you, and she doesn't care about the suck toad or your grade...and so _you_ are the only one who is suffering. Right?"

"Yeah...you get it, Dave!" Alvin sighed, but then blinked. "Oh wait...you're trying to get me to see that while I can come in here to get away from the suck toad, and I can talk to you about everything, that Brittany can't get away from the suck toad. It's always there with her. And her sisters are out of town, so she's all alone." He sighed again. "Oh, I have been the most rotten friend for her! She still feels like I've abandoned her, when she needs me the most." He glanced up at his father. "Oh, Dave, what should I do to make this right?"

Dave gave him a reassuring smile. "Well...First of all, Alvin, I've never known you to care so much about your grades. I mean, even if Ms Smith fails you, I'm sure I can still pull some strings at school so that you can still pass, as long as you do your best. But for a moment, let's put aside your grade for this project—I know that if you stop fighting for the life of this suck toad... Didn't you and Britt name it—er, _her_ —Evelyn, or Elizabeth, or something like that?"

Alvin blinked. "Yeah, we named her Eve. We thought she was like a 'curse' upon us, but I guess we were more of a 'curse' on her. We really haven't been good suck toad parents. Now I see why you've never been crazy about us getting a pet." He shared a small chuckle with Dave.

"I see you're coming around..." Dave patted Alvin's shoulder again. "But I know you'll never forgive yourself if you let Eve die without doing all you can to fight for her. You'll also never forgive yourself if you stop fighting for Brittany, and make sure she knows she is not fighting this battle alone. You know I can't stand to see you and Brittany fighting—unless you fight _together_."

Alvin chuckled with a bit of relief. "Gee, David, how many after-school specials have you been watching to come up with _that_?"

Dave sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry, Alvin, I guess I've just overheard you giving your brothers and the Chipettes enough vague motivating speeches, that some of it was bound to rub off on me." He threw in a wink. "But, hey, if you don't feel like my corny message sank in well enough at this time, I could always come by your school and give it to you during an all-school assembly..."

"NOOO!" Alvin shuddered. "No, no...Davey Dearest, that won't be necessary. Lesson learned! Sheesh! I'd almost rather let the whole school watch me fix Brittany's bra again! Or even let the whole school watch Britt adjusting the wad of extra socks in my..." He glanced up at Dave, who was raising an eyebrow. "Never mind." He grinned sheepishly and tried to get the conversation back on track. "But where do I start in trying to fix things with Brittany? She still hates me."

Dave released a strong enough breath upwards and out of the side of his mouth to blow his bangs like willow tree leaves in the breeze. "Well...I know this may sound off-the-subject at first, but please bear with me. Well, when I was in high school, a bunch of kids in my church group were putting together a week of summer camp for some inner-city kids. At a weekend retreat, we were coming up with things to do during some possible challenging situations with the kids. One of the situations was: how do you get a shy kid to participate in sporting events, when they are too afraid all the other kids will make fun of their lack of athletic ability? And the creative answer that one group came up with was to draw more of that negative attention to yourself so that the other kids are too busy making fun of _you_ to notice the shy kid's lack of athletic ability. Basically, just make yourself look like a bigger idiot to make the kid feel better about himself or herself. The motto for the entire week was pretty much 'nobody is cool at camp' and camp is all about getting the kids to have a good time."

"Huh..." Alvin thought for a moment. "So you're suggesting that when Brittany feels exposed, I should have thought to draw that attention away from her, to help her stay calm. So, maybe I could help her with her embarrassing moment by making myself look like a bigger dork than Brittany tomorrow. Man, upstaging Brittany's awkwardness is gonna be tough..." He looked at Dave and chuckled.

"Alvinnn..." Dave raised an eyebrow.

"OK, sorry, Dave." Alvin shrugged. "It's just no fun to give Brittany a hard time when she isn't here. And I know it's not the time, since her day was already tough enough."

Dave continued brainstorming. "And what if all those new rules to take care of the suck toad—er, Eve—also applied to you, not just Brittany?"

Alvin's eyes widened. "Yikes!" He took a deep breath to calm himself. "But I guess I'm not really helping her by making her eat a salad, while I eat cookies in front of her..." He also noticed that Dave was motioning to his clothing. "And why should Britt dress like a swampy pirate redneck while I'm around her all day, in a bright red shirt?"

Dave chuckled. "I'll find some camo for you. Maybe living under the same rules will help show Brittany that you are in this together. I mean, from what I hear, college kids wanting to join fraternities and sororities will do a week or more of 'pledge week' or 'heck week' like that. It can be a bonding experience. I used to do some of that with my troop when I was in scouts. Sure, it was hard work and challenging, and I'm not in a hurry to do any of it again, but looking back, it made us all closer. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. But I'm also relieved it wasn't any longer than a week."

Alvin sighed and smiled over at his father. "You know, Dave, I spend so much time when my brothers are here, feeling like the left-out kid who has nothing in common with you, or that I'm nothing like you. But in these kinda moments, I guess I learn that we're not as different as I thought we were. So, thanks, Dad."

Dave enveloped his son in a hug. "Sure thing, Alvin. Nothing like these odd and challenging situations to make us all closer. I guess getting you as a son was not a mistake." He even removed Alvin's hat to ruffle his auburn hair. "And I start to understand what Brittany says about you better in these moments, so that I can see you are pretty insightful, and you know how to come through for your friends and do the right thing."

"What was that you just said about Brittany?" Alvin blinked in confusion. "I mean, she can't stand me! Did she actually say something nice about me?"

Dave nodded. "Well, a few months ago, she overheard you standing up for her to some girls who were talking bad about her behind her back. She said that it was even during a time when the two of you were not getting along, and that she was mad at you up until you stood up for her. Let's see...as she put it, you were the 'hero' who came through for her. Without betraying anything she confided in me, let me just say that she doesn't hate you, and she may even admire you at times."

"Are we talking about the same Brittany?" Alvin rolled his eyes. "You know—blue eyes, golden-blonde hair in a ponytail, wears a lot of pink? Brittany Chipette-Miller? 'Cause I think she still might get mail that's addressed to Britney Spears by mistake. I mean, I hear Spears is actually one of my fans. Who isn't?" He shared a chuckle with his father.

Dave shrugged. "But this was several months ago, and she may have changed her mind about all of that by now."

Alvin's eyes widened. "Wait a minute...this wouldn't happen to be the time I accused her of being a body-snatcher, would it?"

"Uhhh..." Dave thought for a moment. "Come to think of it, I do remember that a few days later, you tied me up while I was asleep, interrogated me about aliens or something, and then when I tried to get up I got covered in strawberry jam..."

"Oh, uh, sorry about that misunderstanding, Dave." Alvin chuckled awkwardly. "But I'm glad you were OK, and that your reaction to strawberries was only a temporary mild stomach issue, and not the kind of reaction that will kill you if you touch it. But back to Brittany...whoa..." he slapped his forehead several times with his palm. "Oh man! I thought she was a body-snatcher! And she was really, sincerely being nicer to me because she saw me do something she admired? Now I feel terrible! Although for weeks after that, she would just glare at me and give me the cold-shoulder. No wonder! I think she told Simon and Theodore what was going on, and then _they_ were giving me the cold-shoulder. And they still like to give me a hard time about it to this day! I guess I deserve that..."

Dave gently set Alvin back on the couch so that he could look into his eyes. "You know, son, maybe instead of moping around in regrets about things that happened between you and Brittany in the past, we should try working on some stuff we can do for her to help her right now. In fact, why don't we call her to make sure she's doing OK?"

Alvin started to smile. "Yeah, I am kinda worried about her..." After a brief pause, he blinked, "Uh, Dave, she may still be too mad at me to want to talk to me. Would it be better if you talked to her first?"

"Oh, sure!" Dave stood up and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "After all, I'm worried about her, too." After a brief pause, he whispered to Alvin, "It's ringing."

"Hello, Brittany?" He started conversing with the phone. "Yes, it's Dave. Listen, Alvin told me about what happened at school today, and...well, I thought I would at least call and see how you're doing. It seemed pretty traumatic for you... I am sorry to hear about all that. Is there anything I can do?" Another pause followed, while Alvin heard some indistinct chatter from the receiving end of the phone. "Well, are you hungry yet? You're welcome to eat supper with us. Or if you don't feel like leaving the Treehouse, I could still make you something, and Alvin could deliver it. He's worried about you, too... Yes, he's in the room with me. Would you like to speak to him, yet?"

Alvin's eyes widened as he watched his father's expression.

"Too soon?" Dave continued. "That's OK. Are you still hurting—physically or emotionally?... How bad is it?... Do you need another ice pack for the bruise on your hip?... Still cramping? I may have an extra microwaveable heat pack, some extra-strength Tylenol, and maybe some simethicone. Julie says pregnant women can still take that, since it doesn't really get absorbed in the bloodstream. Sure, I'll send it over with Alvin... Sorry if seeing him would stress you out. I would go myself if I could fit in the Treehouse. Would you like for me to make him wear a hood or a pillowcase over his face, like an executioner?" Dave chuckled, throwing a wink over to his son. "Oh, speaking of which, did you peel off the suck toad yet?... Oh, you're waiting until morning to see if she gets any better. Alvin told me you may have been on the fence about that, so I thought I would ask... You're doing a mud-bath right now, or just a mud-mask, I see. It seems to be helping a little?... Please continue to keep me posted about this. Oh, yeah, I hope she gets better, and I really hope _you_ get better. No matter what happens to your suck toad, or your midterm grade as a result, just remember that I love you, and you can come talk to me anytime about anything, even the girl stuff. I might have to defer to Julie, Ms Miller, Ms Croner, the school nurse, Principal Meadows, Ms Smith, Counselor Jones, or some other lady at church—like the youth pastor's wife, but you are still like a daughter to me, Brittany, even though we've never made it official..." There was another pause where all Alvin could hear on the other end was indistinct chatter. "Yes, Alvin mentioned that incident. I'm so sorry you went through that... He was pretty embarrassed about it, too. I'm not sure how...accurate the story was from his point of view. He said things could've been worse, but he's still kicking himself for not, how did he say it—doing a better job of 'guarding your blindspot' or being more 'supportive' of you through all this. No pun intended." He slightly chuckled. "I'm sorry about all that, and he probably wants to deliver his own apology himself..."

He glanced over at Alvin, who was pursing his lips in anticipation. All Alvin could hear was indistinct chatter again from Brittany's end of the phone.

Dave continued on the phone. "It's OK, Brittany. I'm not judging you for any of that. I can relate to being a late-bloomer, myself. Or at least feeling like a late-bloomer in some regards, eager for my body to develop..."

At this, Alvin slapped his palm over his face in embarrassment. He had a hunch they were discussing Brittany's habit of stuffing her bra.

Dave glanced at his son and took the cue. "But I guess we can talk more about that in person some other time. I'm gonna try to get a dinner started for you. Meanwhile, I think Alvin has something he wants to say to you..." He handed the phone off to Alvin as he said this.

Alvin cleared his throat. "Uhh, hi, Britt. Uh, listen, I'm really sorry for...well, everything, including Dave's embarrassing speech, if you found that as embarrassing as I did." He released an awkward chuckle. He cleared his throat again. "Look, Britt, I'm sorry if even talking to me is stressing you out right now, since you've probably had more than enough of your dose of 'Vitamin A' to last you all year." He tried to keep it lighthearted.

"You think?" Brittany sighed. Fortunately for Alvin, she didn't sound particularly angrier at him than usual.

"For what it's worth," Alvin began, "Thank you for trying to help save Eve, and for at least giving her an overnight chance. After all, we are in this together, so let me know how I can help."

Brittany sighed. "Easy for you to say, she's not stuck on _your_ face."

Alvin sighed somberly. "I know...I mean, I can't even _pretend_ to understand what you're going through. I have been a selfish jerk to you lately. _Gah!_ I can't even get through an attempt at an apology without just talking about myself. I mean...how are you doing since I last saw you?"

"Thank you for caring enough to ask, Alvin." Brittany stated as though trying to stay calm through emotional pain. "Even though I know you're just asking because you're worried about your grades. But rest assured that your grades are still hanging by the same delicate thread that has been holding them all year. But because you asked nicely about how I'm doing, I'll tell you that I had a short nap, so I feel a little bit better, stomach-wise and cramp-wise. I'm getting a little hungry too, but I'm honestly not looking forward to having more salad shoved down my throat."

"I'm sorry about that too, Britt." Alvin shrugged. "Do you have any requests for any food that Dave and I can put together for you—you know, healthy food that you _will_ eat? I'm sure we can find some middle ground that works for both you and Eve."

"Well..." Brittany seemed to think for a moment. "Eleanor makes a really good green bean casserole, and a peas and carrots soufflé. And she also makes this really good vegetarian version of chicken spaghetti—I think she calls it 'chickpea spaghetti', and she even has a vegan version of it, for when dairy isn't agreeing with me."

"How is dairy treating you now?" Alvin asked her.

Brittany paused for a moment before replying, "Meh. It's been better, but it's been a lot worse in the past."

"Good to know." Alvin nodded. "I'll see what Dave and I can put together for you—we'll even consult Eleanor, or one of her friends from her cooking circle, if we can't get a hold of her. Do you think you can hang tight for another hour or two? I'm not sure how much time we'll need."

"Well..." Brittany shrugged. "I guess I could wrap up this mud-mask, and maybe have time for another one in two hours. Sure. Why not?"

Alvin blinked, "Did you want to talk to Dave again before I hang up?"

"That's OK." Brittany smiled. "Just tell him I'll hang in there for him. Take care!"

"Take care, Britt, and I'll see you soon with some dinner." Alvin winked and threw a thumbs-up toward his dad, who reciprocated from the kitchen. With that, he hung up the phone.

"That sounded a lot better than I expected..." Dave smiled at his son.

Alvin smiled back as he entered the kitchen and handed the phone back to Dave. "I guess so. Kind of a relief." He changed his tone. "Hey, Dave, do you know how to make the same green bean casserole that Eleanor makes?"

Dave thought for a moment. "As a matter of fact, Eleanor and I have exchanged recipes over the years—especially if she finds a really good one that I like. I think she's also shared stuff like—what I heard you and Brittany talking about—like the peas and carrots soufflé, or the chickpea spaghetti—with Ms Miller and Ms Croner. We could probably ask one of them, since Eleanor is at space camp with the other kids, and their camp schedule varies in the evening, and then there's the time difference on the East Coast..."

"Gotcha, Dave." Alvin nodded. "So it would be easier to call Ms Miller or Ms Croner."

"Right." Dave took out his phone again. "I'll try Ms Miller first." He dialed and set the phone next to his ear. "It's ringing..."

* * *

 **A/N:** Alvin's zombie video game is like the one that he and Simon play in the Nickelodeon cartoon episode "Bromance". Brittany complains that she hates the color green in the 80s cartoon episode "Cinderella, Cinderella". In the Nickelodeon cartoon episode "Dog Days", Alvin says that Dave will not let them have a pet until they prove they are responsible enough to take care of one. When Dave says he can't stand to see Alvin and Brittany fighting unless it's together, it's paraphrased from a line in the 2007 "Ninja Turtles" CGI movie. Alvin gives vague motivating speeches in episodes like "Saving Simon". Alvin feels like the left-out kid in the episode "Alvin's Wild Weekend". Dave also gives a nod to the episode "Brittany, The Body-Snatcher".

Dave's story about the church group with the inner-city kids is from a personal experience with my own church youth group planning for "Op Camp" (Opportunity Camp, part of "Unlock Ministries", for the same dynamic of kids). Our rules for camp were: nobody's cool at camp, camp is for the kids, and no kid should ever be alone without a counselor, and no counselor should ever be alone without a kid. The counselor:camper ratio was 1:2.


	3. When The Smoke Clears

**It Sucks To Be Us**

 **About This Story** : Brittany is not happy when the endangered suck toad is stuck to her face, and Alvin is not much happier about "babysitting" her. How can such a double-negative experience turn positive for anyone? Age-wise they are 11. I don't own any part of the Chipmunk franchise, just borrowing them from Nickelodeon, Janice Karman, & Ross Bagdasarian, their family, & their company.

 **About This Chapter** : Rated PG-13 (T), for language, drug references, bodily functions, and adolescent issues such as menstruation and bra-stuffing; as well as mild romantic moments.

 **Pairings** : Alvin/Brittany

* * *

 **3\. When The Smoke Clears**

An hour and a half after talking to Brittany on the phone, Alvin rapped on the door of the Treehouse to announce himself. "Special delivery..." He opened the door with one hand and peeked inside, as he balanced a box containing some trays and a pitcher of water in his other hand with the skill of a professional " _Maître-D"_.

He could hear Brittany singing and playing a few chords on her acoustic guitar. " _I'm fallin' over...over and then under. I can't help but wonder: Did my dreams come true? I'm stuck to you like glue..._ "

Alvin smiled at her. "It looks like you're feeling better."

Brittany looked up at him from her spot on the couch in the living area. "Oh, Alvin, I almost didn't see you there. Did you change into camo?"

"I did!" Alvin set down the box of food he brought in to turn around as if modeling his clothes for her, including a camouflaged baseball cap. "I found some of my paintball threads that didn't have too many bright-colored paint splotches on them. And I also found some old camping gear that still fits—some of it may be Simon's."

"Nice!" Brittany chuckled. "So I didn't hear you come in. How long have you been there?"

"It's OK, I just got here." Alvin smiled. "I brought you some dinner." He motioned to the box he set aside, and said with a posh accent, "Our special tonight is chickpea spaghetti using vegan cheese—just in case dairy still isn't agreeing with you—with a side of green beans, and some fruit salad. Oh, and for dessert, there's some special cookies I made for you that I need to finish baking in the oven. But there's time for that while we eat."

"Really? You're letting me have cookies?" Brittany's eyes widened.

Alvin chuckled. "Sure! I'm trying out a special recipe that Ms Miller gave me for 'diabetic-friendly chocolate chip cookies'. They're sweetened with a little stevia and a lot of honey and cinnamon, instead of sugar."

"That sounds really good!" Brittany started to smile. "Especially compared to all the—pardon my French—crap that you've made me eat these other past few days. No offense."

Alvin chuckled as he took the box of food into the kitchen. "Sorry about all that. Oh, and Dave isn't here right now, it's just you and me, so if you wanna call it by its actual French _Provençal_ terminology— _shit_ —that's OK with me. I won't tell Dave—or Ms Miller—that you used harsher language, if it makes you feel better under your circumstances."

Brittany laughed as she tuned her guitar. "I wouldn't be opposed to using such language under the circumstances, but it's just that I don't know if Eve is old enough to hear all that. Plus, I'm trying to keep calm, positive vibes around me."

"Good for you!" Alvin smiled as he placed the pitcher of water in the fridge, and a cookie sheet in the oven, turning the knob to four hundred fifty degrees. "Sorry if my negative language offended you—or Eve—in any way."

"Oh, you didn't. It actually made me smile." Brittany giggled again as she tuned her guitar. "But I won't tell Dave or Ms Miller, if that's what worries you."

"Thanks, Britt!" Alvin paused at the kitchen table when he realized Brittany was still in the living room. "Well, dinner is ready whenever you are."

He heard her setting down the guitar so she could come into the kitchen. "Oh, sorry about that. I thought you were still heating it up. Plus, I kinda lost myself in a song for a moment there."

Alvin motioned to an empty chair with food set up across from his plate. He even pulled the chair out for her as though he were taking her on a dinner-date to a fancy restaurant. "What kind of a song?" Once Brittany was seated, and she beamed a quick "thank you" to him, he sat down across from her. But he popped up again and gasped, "Oh, I forgot forks." As he went to get some forks in one of the kitchen drawers, he said, "Sorry, you were about to tell me about the song you were playing earlier."

"Oh, yeah, just a song I'm working on..." Brittany shrugged with a smile as Alvin returned to his seat with forks. "Dave told me that sometimes writing a song about an experience, no matter how painful it may be, is one way that helps him cope. And I've even noticed Eve sometimes makes a pleasant purring sound when I play soft music for her, or sing softly to her in the bathtub or the shower..."

"Oh! I almost forgot our water..." Alvin jumped up to retrieve something from the fridge—a clear pitcher of water and ice, with some floating slices of citrus fruits in it. He poured two glasses on the kitchen island, then brought them over to the table. "Here you go." As he sat back down, he held up his glass to Brittany's. "Well, here's to your health—and to Eve's health."

"Cheers!" Brittany giggled as she clinked her glass to Alvin's.

"Sorry about that." Alvin chuckled nervously. "You said something about a bath and a shower, and that reminded me of the water... I'm rambling again, feel free to stop me. Oh, did you finish the story about your song?"

Brittany sipped from her glass of water and chewed a few bites of the chickpea spaghetti. "Yeah, writing music and song lyrics is one way that helps me cope with tough times—Dave taught me."

Alvin nodded. "I've noticed it helps me too. Dave sure is chock-full of all kinds of wisdom when I least expect it." He noticed that she seemed to want to wipe some crumbs from her face. He chuckled as he stood up again, "And I forgot napkins."

Brittany pointed him in the direction of the extra napkins. When he returned with napkins, she continued, "Dave sure is full of fatherly wisdom. He's been the best dad I could have ever asked for!" Brittany heard Alvin agree, as she took a few more bites of the chickpea spaghetti. She also wanted him to enjoy a few bites before he got up because he forgot something else. "You did a great job with the chickpea spaghetti! It's a lot like the one Eleanor makes. Did you get a hold of Eleanor for the recipe?"

Alvin shook his head and swallowed his bite of food. "Nope. But we called Ms Miller—the next best person in line. She had Eleanor's recipe for the spaghetti, and the cookies." His eyes went wide. "The cookies! I'd better check on them..."

Brittany couldn't help but giggle at his forgetfulness. "Don't forget pot-holders for the cookie sheet, Ms Miller!"

"Right!" Alvin changed his direction as he headed to the oven, so that he could get some oven mitts and pot-holders from another drawer. He chuckled, "And when did I turn into Ms Miller?" He added as an impersonation of an older, scatterbrained lady with a Southern accent, "Good gracious me!"

Brittany giggled, "Sorry, I couldn't resist messing with you. I just feel like I'm joining Ms Miller for one of her family dinners. She's always up and down, forgetting one more thing. By the time she finally sits down to eat her own food, it has already cooled off. Poor thing! But such a sweet lady! She really tries to be a good hostess and make sure every one of her guests has a great dining experience."

Once Alvin had an apron and oven mitts in place, he smiled. "Yeah, I like having her and Ms Croner nearby. They're like instant grandmas," Brittany joined him to say, "Just add water!" And they shared a laugh. He headed back over to the oven. "Uh-oh..."

"What is it?" Brittany looked up at him.

He opened the oven in a fit of urgency. "Oh no...not cool..." He set the cookie sheet, still smoking hot, on the pot-holder he had set on the kitchen island counter.

Brittany got up to see what was wrong. "What happened?" She also opened a window to let out the excess smoke. "Did you turn off the oven?"

Alvin was still fanning the smoke away when he turned off the oven. When the smoke cleared, he cringed as he assessed the damage. "I hope these cookies taste OK when they are a little on the 'extra crispy' side."

Brittany joined him with a metal spatula. "Well, this one doesn't look too badly burnt." She scraped it up with the spatula, only to see that it was still very blackened on the bottom.

"I guess you can have that one." Alvin shrugged, "I'll just take..." He inspected the remaining dark brown and black lumps. "...the rest of this entire pan and throw it out. Just tell me how that one tastes. Dave and I had some extra cookie batter leftover in our fridge, so I'll just try some of that later."

"Wait." Brittany broke the least-burnt cookie she had chosen in half. "You went through the trouble to make these cookies, so it's only fair that you get to try one."

"OK." He accepted the half of the cookie. "Thanks, Britt."

They both took a bite and chewed a few times. The chewing slowed as they stared wide-eyed at each other.

Alvin started shaking his head. He mumbled, "I just can't swallow it!"

Brittany mumbled back in response, "Me neither!" She motioned to the kitchen sink, where they simultaneously spit out their mouthfuls of burnt cookie.

"BLAAAAGH!"

They turned on the sink and started washing their mouths. Eventually they made it back to the table to drink a few gulps of fruit-infused water. Soon, they set their glasses down together and glanced over at each other. Somehow, this simultaneous feeling of relief made them start giggling, which soon turned into full-contact laughter.

When they calmed down a bit, Alvin asked her, "Was that burnt cookie as bad for you as it was for me?"

Brittany admitted, "My thoughts exactly! I was trying to eat it because you went through all that trouble to make the cookies. I think once I got past the taste of charcoal, the cookies wouldn't be that bad. Does the cookie dough have raw eggs in it?"

Alvin sighed, "Yes, it does. But I tasted some batter earlier anyways, and, like you said, they weren't bad." He sighed again and started slapping his forehead. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I should have let the oven preheat and I forgot to set the timer for eight-to-ten minutes. Rookie mistake."

"Cookie Rookie." Brittany giggled. "Sorry, I had to get that out of my system." In a baby voice, she asked, "Aww, did I hurt your 'feewings'?"

Alvin laughed. "Since when do you _not_ want to hurt my feelings?"

"Well," Brittany said quietly as if thinking to herself for a moment, "If it were just me, I wouldn't mind eating raw cookie dough, but I don't know if it would be good for Eve." She blinked before answering his question, "But I guess if you're going through the trouble of wearing camo, cooking dinner, and basically making an effort for me—and for Eve, I guess we just got off on the wrong foot. I mean, if I'm gonna make this work and help Eve get better, I guess I should send out more positive vibes and stuff. You know, 'karma', and what goes around comes around, stuff like that." She turned to her plate to finish the rest of her dinner. "And besides, I think you've done such a great job with this chickpea spaghetti, that who needs dessert?"

Alvin chuckled. "Even the green beans taste great after the 'charcoal-chip cookie'." They shared another friendly laugh. Alvin changed to a more serious tone with his next question. "It's just that... I know you were mad at me earlier today—and you had every right, rhyme, and reason to be—but now you seem...happier, or more at ease, I guess. I can usually tell when you're faking being happy, or just putting on a brave face for Theodore or someone else. But this time it looks more...real. Of course, I could still be wrong. I've known you since Kindergarten, and sometimes you can still fool me with a 'poker face'. By the way, I realized right before we last talked on the phone, that I owe you a major apology for the time I thought you were a body-snatcher when you were sincerely trying to be nicer to me. I was an idiot to listen to Kevin's urban legends, and I am really sorry that I ended up hurting you because of that."

"Awww!" Brittany smiled at him. "Apology accepted. You've redeemed yourself with this chickpea spaghetti."

"Thanks!" Alvin chuckled. "But seriously, did you have an extremely refreshing nap or something earlier? It's like you are more upbeat and positive now. What's up with that?"

"Well," Brittany chuckled. "And you're probably gonna think this is crazy... But when you dropped me off here, and I slammed the door in your face—sorry about that, by the way."

Alvin shrugged. "We're cool now. I probably deserved it." He chuckled.

Brittany briefly chuckled with him before continuing her story. "Anyways, at first I cried myself to sleep, with an old towel as my pillow on the couch. I think I took maybe a twenty- or thirty-minute nap, where I had this crazy nightmare that Eve died, and came back to haunt us for the rest of our lives, making us super-sorry that we let her die. She would appear as an angry ghost that was only visible in the mirror when I was alone-or when you were alone-since she would haunt you too. And she would torture us by whispering stuff to us like, ' _Are you happy? You killed me! You'll never be truly happy because you killed me!_ ' Like, we'd be getting ready for prom or some dance years into the future, and I would glance in a mirror and think, ' _Oh, my mascara is running on my left eye._ ' Or you would think, ' _I don't remember getting a black eye._ ' But when we'd look closely, it was like a hologram flashing some angry suck toad eyes at us, and both you and I were scarred with a dark gray streak over our left eyes that wouldn't go away, no matter how much we washed our faces. Then an echo-y voice would whisper, ' _Do you think you look beautiful? You killed me! You will never be beautiful because you killed me! I will always be the ugly that follows you and keeps you from ever being beautiful!_ ' It was just horrifying!"

Alvin winced. "Yikes! As if I wasn't scared enough before, fearing for my grades, now I'm terrified—fearing for my life! Thanks for the nightmares!"

Brittany continued, "I woke up scared out of my mind. I was like, running to the mirror to check on Eve. I was relieved that she was..." She teetered her hand horizontally. "...OK-ish. You know, she was kinda squeaking a bit, but I could tell she was still alive and hanging in there. Then I gave her a mud-bath, and she seemed just a little bit better. And I could be totally wrong about this, since I can only see out of one eye, but as I looked at her in the mirror during the mud-bath, I could've sworn she smiled at me and a voice whispered to me, 'That's better... Everything will be OK now'." She sniffled a little, as if choked up with an overwhelming sense of relief.

"Wow." Alvin blinked. "It seems like a story Jeanette would appreciate."

Brittany chuckled. "Yeah. It was like Eve gave me a psychic message in my sleep that she was dehydrated and really needed a mud-bath. That's what was happening over here about the time Dave called. So I was kinda starting to feel better by the time we talked on the phone."

Alvin asked, "And then...what? You worked on a song since we got off the phone, until the time I came to the Treehouse with dinner?"

"Not exactly." Brittany explained. "I felt like talking to someone outside of the situation, so I had a video chat with our friends Angel and Raph in New York."

"One of the Ninja Turtles and one of their friends?" Alvin asked for clarification.

Brittany went on, "Yes. Angel was doing homework at the Turtles' Lair, while Raph was nearby listening to music and flipping through magazines. Not that either of them would know much about a suck toad, but it was kinda nice to talk to them and get my mind off everything that happened at school today. They actually put Donnie and April on the video screen. Those two were working on some of the equipment in the garage at the time. But I knew I made the right choice of who I called when they both started asking me questions about Eve. I mean, April knows a lot about psychic-type stuff, and Donnie as a science-y person provided sort of a 'second opinion' about Eve's condition."

"Really? What all did they say?" Alvin was curious.

"Let me get the paper of the notes I took..." Brittany got up for a moment to retrieve a notebook from the living room. When she returned to her seat, she continued, "Donnie tends to ramble when he's in 'science-mode'—like Simon. Anyways, I told them about the nightmare about Eve haunting us, and Donnie said that he read somewhere that..." She looked at her notes, "Some species of rainforest amphibians secrete a type of hallucinogenic chemical—you know, a drug that makes people see or dream strange things. But sometimes this chemical is harvested and used in making poison darts or some other drugs. He says many of these drugs might be used as recreational drugs or in the illegal drug trade world, but a few in smaller doses are used for medicinal purposes for reducing pain, correcting heart murmurs, or inducing sleep or paralysis—like anesthesia used in surgeries. And some may also boost certain neuro-chemicals, like serotonin and norepinephrine—which lift mood and motivation, like an antidepressant effect. And it can also boost dopamine—which may lead to vivid dreams or hallucinations, if boosted too much. So it may even have potential for treating Parkinson's Disease or something like that. Also, many times the intended effects don't happen until after an initial reaction that may seem like the opposite. In other words, the side-effects such as increased pain and anxiety, racing heart rate, trouble sleeping, or feeling moody—show up before the good stuff happens."

Alvin blinked in astonishment. "Huh... That is a lot of information for a 'second opinion'."

Brittany looked up and shrugged. "It was actually pretty helpful, though. I guess that explains why I'm not feeling as cramped as I was earlier, and that bruise on my hip doesn't hurt. And my heart isn't racing like I'm in a constant panic attack. Maybe that's why, despite a nightmare, I actually woke up feeling more rested. Maybe when I started being nicer to Eve by giving her the mud-bath she wanted, she started returning the favor by giving off her 'chemicals'. The nightmare was really just a wake-up call that afterwards made me feel more 'at peace' about the whole situation, and I felt more motivated and encouraged that I can do this, even after the horribly rough day at school I just had."

"Sorry if this is a little off the subject," Alvin began, "but I just now noticed that you changed clothes. It made me think about it when you mentioned the rough day at school—which I'd be OK if we didn't talk about that for a while. I'm glad you were able to find another camo-green shirt to wear, since the one you wore earlier got ripped."

Brittany looked down at the shirt she was wearing. "Oh yeah, this one is actually more comfortable anyways. I think it's actually Jeanette's shirt from our nineteen-forties USO tribute concert series."

Alvin nodded as he remembered, "Oh yeah, 'The Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy' and songs like that."

Brittany smiled as she remembered. "Yeah, and I think we used it again when we put on that concert-slash-play where we made our own Chipmunk version of ' _White Christmas_ ', but with three guys instead of just two, and three sisters instead of just two, only everyone just kept their names. Good times!" She happily sighed. "Well, Jeanette believes in things like recycling, and it's not like she can stop me from borrowing her shirt right now..."

Alvin chuckled, "I'm sure she would be happy to let you wear it. She might just find it flattering to know that she has clothes you would actually _want_ to borrow."

"Good point, there! And unlike me, Jeanette puts comfort ahead of fashion. Now, this may be the 'suck toad chemicals' talking—but I'm starting to think she's onto something." Brittany shared a laugh with Alvin before she rested her gaze down at her notebook and thought to resume her story. "Back to my video-chat with April and Donnie—this is kinda cool, or crazy—but April kinda looked at Eve for a few moments, kinda like looking into her eyes. And it was like April was able to 'read' Eve emotionally or something. April basically said that Eve could actually work with me, or to my advantage, if she is properly cared for in return." She glanced at Alvin and saw that he was nodding as he considered everything. "Well, Alvin, do you know what to think about all that stuff that April and Donnie shared with me? I mean, I think they're onto something. Am I crazy for seeking out their input? Or for believing them? I find them just as trustworthy as Simon or Jeanette. Is that still crazy to you?"

Alvin shrugged and shook his head. "Well, Britt, even after you told me all this crazy stuff, I still don't think _you're_ any crazier than usual."

They shared a brief chuckle, and then Brittany's phone beeped from her pocket. She took a glance at it and explained, "Oh, that alarm means Eve is due for another mud-bath. Would you like to join me? Oh, wait, are you finished eating?"

Alvin ate and chewed one last bite. "Yeah, I'm done now. If you're done, I can take our dishes to soak in the sink for a while, then meet you...wherever you go for the mud-bath. Is it still in the house?"

"Oh, yes." Brittany motioned to the living room. "There's a spot in the corner of the living room where I spread out some newspapers. Hopefully that way Eleanor won't kill me for making a mess!"

Alvin chuckled as he took the dishes to the sink and started soaking them. After about five minutes, he joined his friend among the nest of newspapers in the living room. She had already started mixing some mud in one large bowl by combining dirt from a beach bucket with some water from another beach bucket. He sat cross-legged and facing Brittany, who was "Z-sitting" in a ladylike manner with her feet slightly behind her to her right side. "How can I help?" He asked eagerly.

"Well," Brittany considered his question. "Since right now I don't feel like pushing my face into this—it gives me some reflux this soon after eating—maybe if you could take some in your hand, and start petting it onto Eve. Just gently stroke her from her head to her tail, like you would pet a puppy or a kitten."

"Uh, OK..." For some reason, Alvin felt a bit nervous. But he just couldn't put his finger on why. Maybe there was something that he found beautiful about looking into Brittany's bright blue right eye, and that it looked like a bit of a smile was forming on her perfectly-shaped pink lips. Even though it was more obvious from this close that she had a few places around her face that were more prone to acne breakouts, Alvin still thought she looked amazing even without makeup. Dare he tell her this? Despite the fact that she had her hair messed up by a tiara of leaves, and traces of mud lingering around her face, Alvin couldn't help but feel nervous, like he felt when meeting Princess Kate, or how he would feel on a hot date with any other girl he realized was way out of his league. He took a deep breath as he started petting mud onto Eve's back.

"Is she OK? I can't see her." Brittany interrupted his anxiety.

"Oh...umm..." Alvin wasn't sure how to respond. "She's kinda...shifting around when I pet mud onto her. Can you feel it?"

"Yeah, I can feel it." Brittany smiled. "I guess that's a sign she's still alive and maybe conscious. Sometimes she responds to voices that way. I can tell if she likes someone's voice or not depending on how she shifts around when they talk. Are her eyes open?"

"Oh yes." Alvin chuckled. "I'm not sure if she knows what to think of me. Her eyeballs kinda blink at me once in a while like she's sizing me up. All she seems to know about me at this point is—that I'm not her mom—I'm not you." In a baby voice, he reassured Eve, "It's OK, Ms Evie, Papa's here. Papa wants to help Mama take care of you. Do you like that? Do you like it when Papa puts mud on you?" In his normal voice, he asked Brittany, "Is her movement a good sign? Can you tell if she likes my voice? Or should I stop talking?"

Brittany giggled. "Wait...that move you did right there... I think she really likes that."

"This?" Alvin asked with surprise. "Softly and slowly stroking her on one side, then the other?" He sighed, "Whoa...say that ten times fast."

"Yeah, that move." Brittany smiled bigger. "I can tell she likes it because I can feel all these vibrations from her against my eyeball. It feels like a cat purring in your lap, but without the pain of claws digging into you when the cat starts kneading."

Alvin chuckled. "Yeah, I can't tell whether a cat loves me when they do that, or if they just want to torture me!" In his baby voice he asked, "You like that, Ms Evie? Yes, you do. I can see you moving around for more of that. Yes, I can! You are kinda cute when you do that, Ms Evie. Yes, you are! You're ticklish, aren't you, Ms Evie? Yes, you are!" To Brittany in his normal voice, he said, "This is kinda cool! I like seeing her react to my touch. It's like when you pet a frog, and they kinda 'shift' to one side—at least the frogs that can't or don't jump away. It's like maybe they're trying to flinch and get away from your initial touch, like, 'Eww, a human—or humanoid chipmunk—is touching me! I'm gonna get warts or something!' But then after a while, if you start talking nicely to them, it's like they start leaning into your touch like they're enjoying it. You know?"

"Hmmm..." Brittany started laughing. "Funny that I may not spend as much time handling or petting frogs like you probably do, but I think I react the same way to you!"

"Oh really?" Alvin raised an eyebrow. He started gently stroking Brittany along her left jawline and said to her using his baby voice, "Do you like that, Ms Brittany? Yes, you do! I can see you moving around for more of that when I do that. Yes, I can! You are kinda cute when you do that, Ms Brittany. Yes, you are! You're ticklish aren't you, Ms Brittany? Yes, you are!" In his normal voice, he added, "I would've petted your back or shoulder, but then I would've gotten mud all over your clothes—or Jeanette's clothes."

Brittany was giggling at this point. "That was a sweet, sensitive side of you that I don't see very often. But, just so you know—I liked that, and it works! Even though it was kinda...weird, in a way."

Alvin blinked and started scratching the back of his neck with his left hand. "Right. I almost felt like we...had a 'moment' there. But, yeah, it was...weird enough that I wouldn't do that to you in front of anyone else."

"Right." Brittany slightly looked away, adjusting her bangs to behind her right ear, then realizing she was getting mud in her hair. "I guess between just the two of us, I'll admit that maybe we did have a 'moment'. But I won't tell anyone else about it."

"Me neither." Alvin chuckled nervously. They shared a simultaneous sigh, and a few moments of awkward silence where they could barely make eye contact. Alvin finally broke the silence. "So...do you mind if I just ask you some questions about Eve?"

"Uh...OK." Brittany finally smiled over at him, but didn't know what kind of questions to expect.

"First of all," Alvin began. "Does that...hurt at all?" He motioned with his left hand over his left eye. "I mean, sometimes it looks like it might hurt, having something over your eye like that."

"It kinda hurt at first, I'll admit." Brittany sighed. "Since she was kinda...slapped onto there at first. But by now, it doesn't hurt anymore. Although she kinda sucks harder when she's not happy, which kinda hurts a little more, especially for the past few days at school—like when Ms Smith starts yelling at us in class. That's a voice I can tell she doesn't like. But right now, it kinda feels like a...suction cup stuck to my eyeball. When she's happy, she purrs, which feels like I described earlier about a cat massaging you, but without the claws."

Alvin chuckled. "This may seem like a stupid question to you, but...is your left eye open or closed? And _can_ you open or close that eye?"

Brittany giggled. "My eye is closed. When all that mud was first heading to my face, I naturally closed my eyes, like an instinct. Then it felt like being slapped in the face by a frog, and I didn't know why I couldn't open my left eye. Not that I think I could see much out of that eye anyways. I still don't know what the underside of a suck toad looks like. I'm sure Eve can feel it when my eyeball rolls around, or when I'm blinking."

Alvin chuckled. "That's exactly why I asked that question—I wanted to know what the underside of a suck toad looks like! And I'm also wondering if, when you're blinking kinda fast, if Eve feels tickled by your eyelashes."

"Now, that's a funny picture there!" Brittany giggled.

"OK, I thought of another question." Alvin paused. "I'm sure everyone will wonder this at some point, but...where, and how, does it— _ahem_ , I mean ' _she_ '—go to the bathroom?"

Brittany laughed sarcastically. "Well, after she eats and digests...then angels just take it away. Ha ha!"

Alvin laughed with her for a few moments. "But seriously, is her...waste...just sitting under her? Like, between her underside and your eyelid? That would definitely be a reason to keep your eye closed!"

"Well," Brittany began, "Whenever we do these mud-baths, let's just say that it's more than just mud that gets washed away!" She dipped an old cup into the beach bucket with clean water, and drew out a cupful of cleaner water. "Here, I'll show you." She poured some water into the palm of Alvin's right hand. "Just try petting that onto her to wash off the mud—in the same way that you put it onto her."

"OK..." Alvin complied. In his baby voice he said, "Time for your shower, Ms Evie." He gently splashed water onto her, washing her from her head to her tail. When he reached her tail, he commented in his normal voice. "Hey, I don't remember rubbing any mud on her that was _this_ dark..."

"Wait for it..." Brittany smiled and puffed out her cheeks like she was holding her breath.

It suddenly hit Alvin, " _UGH!_ Oh man! That really stinks like a swamp's dirty diaper!" He wiped his hand on a paper towel that Brittany offered him. He also used the paper towel to wipe up the mud and the waste that was on Brittany's temple. "Wow, Britt, I have a whole new respect for you now! I don't blame you for being cranky—er, having such a hard time keeping it together, mentally and emotionally. I know I certainly couldn't keep it together as well as you have."

"Good save!" Brittany giggled.

"Sorry," Alvin finished cleaning her face. "I knew I was bound to step in it sooner or later, since here I am cleaning it up. I mean...it's just...how can you live like this? I guess this is what I've been smelling throughout the day. Isn't it?"

Brittany smiled. "I don't really know how I put up with that. I mean, I've babysat, I've changed diapers—both girls and boys. Maybe I'm just used to Eve's smell by now. Although I am grateful that Eve's tail is not the end closest to my nose."

Alvin shared a laugh with her. "Well, I think being part of this mud-bath with you and Eve has really given me plenty of new things to appreciate about you—I mean, about both of you, really. I never realized how hard you had it, Britt; and seeing how you are being positive—that's actually quite an accomplishment! I'm actually kinda proud of you!"

"Awww...Thank you, Alvin!" Brittany beamed. "But I can't take all the credit, I mean, Eve has been giving off some of those 'chemicals' and stuff."

"Yeah..." Alvin thought of another question. "Do those 'chemicals' come off through her skin, and you get it kinda rubbed on like a skin cream? Or does she, like, bite you and inject it into you, like some kinda venom?"

"I don't know." Brittany blinked. "I didn't really think to ask Donnie or April to be more specific about that. Maybe some of it is kinda like 'backwash' when she sucks the nutrients out of a tiny cut in my skin. If you look closely, you can kinda see a tiny spot where she puts her mouth on me, like a straw. She doesn't really 'bite', like with teeth I can feel." She pointed to a tiny spot between her nose bridge and her left eye, the size of a small freckle. "Donnie said it may be like how medical leeches will bite, but not really leave much of a mark, since they also release chemicals to keep your blood flowing long enough for them to get fed, but also some chemicals that numb you and relieve pain at that spot, so you won't notice when they are feeding on you. But I wouldn't be surprised if Eve can give off chemicals in both ways—through her skin and her saliva."

"Fascinating..." Alvin blinked.

Brittany noticed Alvin was dreamily staring at her. "What? Are those chemicals getting to you too?"

Alvin chuckled nervously as he looked away, slightly blushing. "I guess the chemicals are getting to me. Yeah, yeah, that's it! Right now I was just noticing...that you actually look great from this close, even with mud on your face instead of makeup. I think you worry about your looks for no reason, you're still better-looking than me. And—this part especially doesn't leave the room—but...you're well-endowed enough that I don't think you need to stuff your bra, either." He noticed Brittany glanced downward with a slight blush as he said this. "I mean, not that I'm spending much time looking at your bra, or thinking about your hot pink shiny bra..." He slapped himself in the face as if trying to wake himself up. "Sorry if my crazy, inappropriate thoughts started coming out. I think one of Eve's chemicals is like a truth serum or something. Whoa...good thing I'm not driving home, huh?"

Brittany giggled awkwardly. "Wow, it's like I just went from the feature performer at a night club, to one of those people used to tell if someone's keys should be taken away—like, if someone finds me attractive, then that someone is too drunk to drive home."

Alvin shook his head. "No, you're not the 'drunk-test'. I mean, you've been absorbing the chemicals longer than me, and it's not like you find _me_ attractive. Right?"

Brittany laughed awkwardly. "Right...uh, no offense or anything. I mean, you look good in camo, don't get me wrong..." She studied him a little using her working right eye. "You even look kinda—I don't know—masculine, hunky, heroic-cute, brimming with a certain...animal magnetism." She chuckled and looked away. "Well, I guess I'm not driving tonight either. Not like I can drive with much depth-perception, with only one eye."

The two of them shared an awkward sigh, afraid to make eye contact for a few moments. Brittany finally broke the silence with a suggestion. "So...I know you live right next door, and nobody is actually driving anywhere...but, I guess... You don't have to leave anytime soon. I guess if you wanted to sleepover—as a friend—you are welcome to spend the night. I would understand if you didn't want to stay—I mean, we _do_ have school tomorrow."

Alvin started to smile at her. "You know, that actually sounds fun." He added a sarcastic sigh, "Well...if I have to...I guess I really shouldn't leave you alone if you're trippin' on suck toad chemicals. So I would love to sleepover here with you tonight, Brittany. Do you mind if I call Dave right now, and ask him if it's OK, and maybe ask him to pack me a suitcase, and bring my backpack?"

* * *

 **A/N:** The song Brittany is singing is an acoustic version of the song that plays during the musical montage of the "Suck Toad" episode. Alvin plays paintball in the Nickelodeon cartoon episode "It's My Party". Alvin refers to the episode "Brittany, The Body-Snatcher" again. Jeanette believes in recycling in the episode "Going Green", and she and Brittany almost become fashion rivals in "She's Got Style". Alvin and Brittany competed to meet Princess Kate in "Mister Manners". Alvin started telling the truth and speaking his inner thoughts without a second thought in the episode "Blabber Mouth".

Sorry if Brittany seems a bit OOC as she relates to Alvin in this chapter, and therefore Alvin is also a bit OOC relating to her. The chemicals from the suck toad are causing some side-effects. And the Chipmunks and Chipettes meet the Ninja Turtles and their friends (mostly from the 2012 Nickelodeon cartoon series) in my other fanfic, "Munks Meet More Mutants".

When Brittany says that "she eats and digests…then angels just take it away," it's a line I heard in an episode of "Two Broke Girls". Caroline said it while Max was in the Pastry School in Manhattan, in the episode "And The French Kiss".

I'd love it if we could see a Chipmunk version of "White Christmas" like that. I describe my fantasies of it on my "Deviant Art" page journal topic "Movie Munk-Overs". I would want all 6 of them instead of just the 4 main characters, keeping their Chipmunk/Chipette names for simplicity. Brittany could play a role like that of Betty (Rosemary Clooney's character), who takes a while to warm up to Bob (Bing Crosby's character, played by Alvin, of course). Not that I mean to put pressure on Alvin and Brittany for an "arranged marriage" or anything, but they just make a great team of "frenemies". And Dave could play the hotel owner (and retired general) they were trying to honor. My favorite part is when the guys cover for the girls by singing the "Sisters" song!


End file.
